My LIFE Story
August 28, 2016
My father would have been 43 years old today. A very funny, strong, good looking, passionate, and TOUGH short man from San Francisco whose passion was being an aircraft technician so that his mom (my grandma who is in the hospital right now) could go to her home and visit her family Japan, ANY time she wanted. He made that goal, and followed it all the way through.
My father was a man who loved all kinds of music but mostly Hip-Hop. I remember he had had subs his Mitubishi Montero and everyone who knew him said they can tell he was coming because of the loud music he always had blasting in his car. The first time I felt subs was when I was about 4 years old, in the middle seat of his Mitsubishi, and the subs were bumping through my little chest, I was scared and excited all at the same time.
My father was the man who always took me to Rasputin as a kid to pick out my choice of rap compilation CD which then we'd go through and see which was the next one that they'd start playing on the radio (he called Bruno Mars!). He never censored things for me, he always exposed me to everything he could, even without knowing, so I could be ready for it. My father always taught me to be tough, putting me in holds till I tapped out, being tough on me just so I could be tough, for myself. Now I see what he was doing, and I do thank him for that.
When my mom had me in '93 at The San Francisco General Hospital, he wasn't there. However, I don't hold grudges against him for that, and I don't believe he didn't love me just because of that. At this point in time, I now see both ends of the spectrum, he was young and involved in a lot of things a young teen from San Francisco would have to go through on the streets, especially in the 90s... He started taking me to stay with him when I was two years old, I missed my mom so much everytime I stayed with him and I remember crying and crying for her waiting at the door and windows for her. It took some time to get used to him since I was used to my mom and now I had to get used to my father separately.
Life went on, I grew older, moved around a lot with my mom, struggled with homelessness, fights, scary moments, a LOT of yelling and arguing, as having young parents, they're learning right along with you. My mom and I grew up more like sisters, but nothing broke us. I was her little ride or die, and I was her little creation and reason to be strong and never give up even having me as a teenager.
I got used to not getting used to somewhere we weren't going to be for long, and being around people we weren't going to be around for long..I touch on this in my song "Why I Love Her" off my Fearless album. I went through this with my mom and dad separately, and together... I love them both so much.
I formed a passion for writing lyrics and the first time I can ever remember rapping was when I was 8 years old. I was freestyling as a kid into my mom's (Casio?) cassette recorder when we lived in San Francisco under this lady's house who was a Shaman. She had a very interesting house, a lot of magic going on, and even black magic. Back then I didn't know about all of that and how it could be quite dangerous if used with the wrong intentions, but now I can look back with understanding to a lot I didn't when I was growing up. At the time my mom had a friend who heavily listened to Lil Rob & artists alike..(if you listen to my early early music this may make sense), that's when it became something I did more and more till I actually took it serious as a teenager in 7th grade. I was 13 years old when I had to move from Daly City, one of the places we actually lived in for a few years and we were starting to settle, I finally had my own room there, but like I said, I got used to moving even after we settled just for a bit.
My father had suffered from depression and decided to take his journey into the next life.. I was 18 years old when it happened and just graduated high school, I remember joking with him about him giving me his car , and he laughed and said "maybe when I get a new one". I had never, to this day, thought a single thing was wrong with my dad emotionally or mentally, through out life, and honestly, I don't believe that all doctors ALWAYS know what they're saying.. I don't believe EVERY doctor knows how to deal with EVERY patient, vice versa to humans.. I feel that we all get emotional, we all have our moments, and we all need someone to talk to who can listen to us without judgement, but I also know that IT IS NOT EASY. Having a family member, friend, or even you yourself who has struggled with suicide and depression, is SERIOUS and it is NOT a game, and it is NOT as some people make it to look who are on the outside looking in. You really won't understand WHY someone becomes SO DEPRESSED after you JUST SAW them happy 5 seconds ago... It's literally THAT quick.. And dealing with someone who is suffering from suicide and depression requires a lot of patience, balance, and NON-judge mental, even if you think you're not judging, you could be. Evaluate yourself before you asses the situation. (We've seen it gone wrong with cops innocent lives they take because of body language & reaction, they address the situation negatively, they don't evaluate themselves before stepping in, and somewhere in their mind, a switch flips on and just because of a certain gesture or movement, or even thought in thought in their mind, they ACT. It's the same type of switch I feel people go through when they're about to kill themselves, they can't always think straight when that switch is flipped) someone is NEEDED to DIFFUSE the situation. When that switch gets flipped, there needs to be someone there who can diffuse the situation with patience, understanding and non-judgement. two different scenarios, the only similarity, is what goes on IN THE HEAD. Loved ones should help, and it shouldn't be left up to Drs who dont always know it all. I NOW see that. but Loved ones are scared, and they're not to be blamed but they must remember, they're still the same person, believe in them. I see this now.
It's been 5 years since my father went away, and within that time I've done a lot of growing up. I've realized I had issues of my own to work on, going back to when I was little.
I'd struggled with being suicidal since I was 13 years old after we moved from Daly City.. It wasn't something I could talk to my friends about , it was embarrassing and I was ashamed, plus, the judgement that comes after letting people know this deep deep secret/problem you're having is infinite, so I didn't really talk about it at school. I had to go to therapy which didn't work and I HATED IT. I hated having to sit there Infront of someone I DIDN'T know acting like they KNEW my life.. Imagine how many others can say that too... I continued life, continuously getting suicidal at times but thankfully I feel like what kept the balance, what kept me ALIVE, the thing that made me actually not go through with killing myself, was Music. Since I started at 8 years old, it started before I started becoming suicidal. Music became my way out, even though I didn't realize it back then. I see it now, and if I didn't discover my ability to express myself through music, I honestly wouldn't be too sure that I'd be here. If there's one thing I can remember THE MOST about my dad is that he was a huge fan of Eminem, the songs he'd write for his daughter, the songs he'd write about battling his own demons, battling himself, the song he wrote about being not afraid and conquering alcoholism and the album he made on Recovery, which ironically my dad was also going through at that time. It wasn't until this morning my mom and I realized that he was probably such a big fan of Eminem's music because he had been going through the same dark times that Eminem had been going through. My dad was a fan of Eminem's music because he could relate. Then I thought to all the people who's music I listen to because I can relate, just about everyone I listen to is because of that.. Then I linked that to my music, and how I create for those who can relate.. Crazy life works huh? We don't realize things and reason we do things till later.. A purpose to something you already created can manifest on its own.
My father had a problem with drinking, that I do remember, but still nothing was ever enough for me to look at him differently, all I ever saw, even when he blew up and got mad, all I ever saw was a man who was only human, that loved me and his family and always did everything to take care of us even if I wasn't living with him and he could only take me days at a time. The best thing my dad ever did for me, even if it wasn't for me, was to give me a little brother.. I remember my entire life I had yearned for a sibling like some have in movies and tv shows, a sibling to go through all your toughest times at home with, a sibling who'd have your back if you got in trouble, a sibling who you'd get into fights with then later be okay because you're family at the end.. Little did I realize I have that now, and I love my little brother so much, he doesn't know it but he's 14 now.. And he's growing up, understanding things like he didn't before, looking back with a different perspective like me, and were able to talk about these things now, with a clear mind of understanding. We want to help others who have gone through this and are going through this.. I told him about my project revolving around suicide and depression to help guide others who are going through it too, to give others a peace of mind that they aren't the only one and they aren't alone in this battle against themselves.
My dad is always with us, and I FEEL him, even though I can't see him. My mom, my dad, my little brother, my grandmas, my uncles, and my entire small family are my passion, why do I make music? I've always said its for me, but I've come to a point where I realize , it's for them, and for me, it's for our family. Music was always my glue that held me together and kept me in this world, music is my glue , it has so much meaning to me and holds a different meaning to me than it may to some others.. I feel like I now realize my mission in life with my music is to help others who have had this problem or knows someone else who does, this is the day you all know my story. This is the day you all who are reading this can have an understanding of why I've been the way I've been, I know I've not been the best at concealing my emotions on Fb etc but I've been working on it, and I want to show others, that if I can have a voice, they can too, if I can be depressed and suicidal and get through it because I found something to channel it all too, they can too. I am not silent for the ones who are silent that lead them to feeling like they have no choice. I'm tired of judgement, I'm tired of people acting like they know or acting they want to keep someone silent for a certain look, well guess what, today is the day, you will see how we can turn ANY negative in to a positive. We NEED to talk about it. Today is the day. Happy birthday Papi, this is all for you, and our family, and everyone who's struggled with this or lost someone or lost themselves to this. This is my story. And stay tuned for more. Please share this if you yourself can relate or knows someone else who can, this is my story.
With Love Always,
Christiana "Babii Cris" Roverso
San Francisco's very own Babii Cris goes beyond boundaries in her 2nd 16-track album "Fearless" fully produced by Junknuts of Ashikaga, Japan. Once you press play, you immediately notice the heavy jazzy/old school hip-hop influence that producer Junknuts implemented within each instrumental. Each song is comprised of very ambient and unconventional arrangement of instruments, loops and samples, it leaves vast space for Babii Cris to be impeccably Fearless with the rhythm and rhyme of her lyrics. Fearless is the successor to Triple Threat as a symbol of evolution to both Babii Cris' artistry and cultural perspective. With fallen friendships, disappointment with industry professionals, consciousness of reality, observance of corrupt government, authority and politicians, one must maintain modesty and truth behind each and every word when bringing light to these issues. While Triple Threat was the introduction to her creative finesse, FEARLESS unleashes Babii Cris as your fellow neo-revolutionist through hip hop. Fearless hard copies can now be purchased by clicking HERE. Fearless is also now available on most online music streaming and purchasing websites such as Bandcamp, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Amazon MP3, Google Play and soon on iTunes.
A word from Babii Cris:
"The theme behind this album is to be Fearless. As Nina Simone once said in an interview 'I'll tell you what freedom is to me, NO FEAR'. I discovered that interview after I decided to create this album. I have this theory, that subconsciously myself, and everyone else have been living our lives in fear. Its not intentional, we aren't always aware of it, and it is perfectly human, so I feel we live our lives in fear of what people think of us, how we dress, speak, talk, look, who we love, what we do. And I believe we EACH get to a point in our lives where we STOP living in fear of what others think, and we become FEARLESS. Fearlessness is what allows us to wake up in the morning and go do what we love, put on what ever the hell we want, and be with who ever the hell we want. Fearlessness is what allows us to be proud and fierce when we speak up, loud and clear on what WE believe in."
With this album, Babii Cris aims to ignite the Fearless flame in all of her peers, and everyone around the world. Be FEARLESS in your COMMUNITY. Speak up when you see a wrong, don't stay SILENT to what is right. Always have unconditional love and respect for your family, especially to your Mother, the creator of your life, never forget to tell her you love her, and WHY YOU LOVE HER. Having NO FRIENDS (eventually) isn't always a bad thing, through life, you realize that you don't need friends, you need family, and true friends become a part of your family. All the good, all the bad, all the fallen friendships, failures and successes lead to your growth. Everything in life is part of your GROWTH, and don't forget that. Growth makes you who you are, not everyone will be able to put themselves in your shoes, so judgement is inevitable. What matters is that you stay true to YOU no matter what. Some will use you, abuse you, love you, lose you, all you can do is continue to be you and stay true to yourself, your craft and the ones who you love and do what you do for. Even if others can't put themselves in your shoes, you can, "IF I WAS YOU"....what would you do? Sometimes you have to take a little trip and go somewhere to let your mind at ease, but don't forget where you came from, your roots, and always be proud of that, don't get a one way ticket, get a ROUND TRIP, come back when you're ready. Its okay to be confused at times, its okay to be TRIPPIN', we all do, and we don't always have a clear vision on things that are going on, so find your MEDITATION, whether its music, art, cooking, dancing, or anything else that can put you at ease no matter how crazy things get. Love your life, although things may get hard, difficult and very confusing, life is a beautiful gift we all have, and we each have the power to become and do what ever it is we want. Make YOUR LIFE worth it. Sometimes you see a lot of bad in the world, and ask "why are bad things happening to good people? why is ANYthing bad happening to people? Is it TOO MUCH TO ASK to just...get along?" Valid point, all you can do at this point is continue setting a good example for your brothers and sisters around the world. What you give is what you get. We are all ON OUR WAY to reaching that ONE destination only WE can make for ourselves, don't give up, because you will get there and it is only up to you that you do. Each and every one of these songs, is YOUR SONG, take it, and apply your own experiences to it, we hope that it can help you to heal, cope, and be FEARLESS. We are all connected, we are all ONE, never forget that it is the power of people that over comes the higher authority who try to put so much limit and boundary on the people. Don't EVER stop fighting for what you believe in, and DON'T be a silent bystander. Remember, as the PEOPLE, it is NEVER over until we "SAY SO"